Fool That I Am Read online

  Setting the bowl of mac and cheese on the table with the platter of fish, she scowled as she replied, “Don’t get me started, Sam. That woman had a lot of nerve saying that crap when she was riding around in a car her daddy bought her while taking Women’s Studies college classes he’s paying for. She’s never worked a day in her life!”

  “I knew it!” he crowed in delight, reaching across the table to snare a steaming fish stick. Popping it in his mouth, he continued, “You’re too easy to read. It was doomed from the start, anyway. We’d only been dating for three months and she was already talking about a ring and which decorator to hire for my house.”

  Billie forced a smile she didn’t feel and decided to let the subject drop by calling the kids to supper. They both came running to the table after assuring their mother they had washed their hands. After a brief tussle over seating arrangements, they all finally settled down to eat the modest dinner.

  Even though Sam had come for dinner plenty of times over the years, Billie never got tired of watching him interact with her kids. He was patient and intuitive about their needs and switched seamlessly from talking about Cinderella’s mice friends to discussions about the merits of water Pokémon versus fire Pokémon. He even kept his cool when Lola started crying after dumping too much ranch on her salad. He calmly got up, scraped it in the trash, and got her a new bowl of salad with the perfect amount of dressing. In between all this, he also managed to ask questions about Billie’s day at work, remembered the names of her coworkers, and even asked after her parents.

  When there was nothing left on the table but crumbs and sticky cheese in the bottom of the bowl, the kids excused themselves. Lola headed to the TV room to watch Disney Junior and Derrick grabbed Billie’s laptop to search Amazon for his next book. That left Billie and Sam to take care of the mess left behind by hungry kids.

  Out of long practice, they worked as a team to clean the kitchen. While she loaded the economy dishwasher with their dirty dishes, he put away the condiments and leftover salad. He got the washcloth and wiped the kitchen table and she danced around him sweeping up the detritus left on the floor from overzealous kids with imperfect eating habits. Fifteen minutes later, the kitchen was clean and Billie pulled two beers out of the fridge and handed one to Sam to celebrate.

  Even though it was early November, the temperature outside was only 60 degrees thanks to Kentucky’s notoriously fickle weather. “Let’s sit on the back porch for a few minutes, if that’s okay with you?” she asked, knowing he would agree. As he headed that way, she called out, “Hey, Derrick! We’re going outside for a few! Watch your sister for me?”

  “Sure, Mom! I’ll bring the laptop in there with her!” he called back obligingly, eager to please since his palm had been recently greased.

  Billie stopped along the way to grab an old University of Kentucky hoodie that had belonged to Chad. It was one of the few items that she had kept of his, and only because it was a gift she had given him that he never wore. Slipping it over her head, she joined Sam on the back porch to sit in the large plastic lawn chairs that she got at Walmart on clearance a few weeks ago. He was silent, drinking his beer while gazing at the clear dark sky where the stars winked merrily at the crescent moon. Loathe to interrupt his pensive mood, Billie sipped her beer and enjoyed the brisk fall breeze that carried the scent of burning leaves and wood smoke.

  “I love this time of year the best,” Sam confessed, breaking their companionable silence. “To me, autumn is like that dark, peaceful moment right before you fall asleep. Everything grows quiet, your brain slows down, and your soul sighs in relief at another day done.”

  Billie smiled at his poetic words, but she wasn’t surprised. She knew that behind the rough exterior, Sam was a creative and talented writer. When they were in high school, the three of them would spend hours creating new music. Chad, who had fancied himself the next Kurt Cobain, would pluck out the rhythm on his guitar and Billie would sing the melody, but it was Sam who provided the words. Silly girl that she was, she had fallen for Chad’s slick guitar-picking when she should have lost her heart to the romantic giant who wrote with his heart. But it was too late for that now.

  “I know what you mean,” Billie agreed. “Halloween is done and there are still several weeks before the craziness of the holidays begins. There’s nothing to do but just enjoy autumn’s last hurrah. It’s so beautiful.”

  Sam met her eyes across the few inches that separated their chairs, opened his mouth to say something, but then changed his mind. He dropped his eyes and drained the rest of his beer. Finally, he cleared his throat and said, “I know you invited me over for a lecture, B.J., but it won’t do you any good. We’ve had this discussion before when you told me to quit giving you cash. I let you win that battle and quit slipping money in your purse-“

  “And in my refrigerator and in my coffee can, and in the sun visor of my car, and a million other hiding places you knew I wouldn’t find until you left,” she interrupted him rudely.

  He flashed a cocky grin that stole her breath and agreed, “Damn, I’m good.”

  I bet you are, her hormones thought naughtily. Resolutely ignoring her libido, she continued, “But you are still giving me money, Sam. Just because it’s not in cash form doesn’t make it any less a handout. I know you paid $200 on my cell phone bill, and then there was the gift card to the grocery store that showed up in the mail on Saturday, and now the Amazon card for Derrick. You already do too much for us, Sam, and I can’t keep accepting your charity.”

  His eyebrows lowered in annoyance as he turned a peeved look her way. “Why do you keep saying ‘charity’ like I’m some billionaire donor and you’re a third-world child I’m sponsoring for pennies a day? You’re my friend, damn it, and I love those kids in there. It’s a simple concept, B.J., but you’re the one who keeps making it difficult. You’re a single mother trying to support two children and I’m a bachelor with expendable income. I don’t understand the problem.”

  Frustration warred with affection as Billie struggled to come up with a way to explain it to him. “The problem, Sam, is that I feel like you keep swooping in to save me. I’m a grown woman. I’ve made my choices with my life and now I have to deal with the consequences. I can do this on my own without your money to pave the way. You’re my friend, damn it, not my Sugar Daddy!” she exclaimed, throwing his words back at him.

  His nostrils flared and a fire lit within his eyes as they narrowed on her. “You’re right about that part, B.J. I’m not your Sugar Daddy, because that would imply that I got to screw you in return for the gifts. Don’t insult me like that again, little girl,” he warned her with a hint of anger that made her blood race dangerously.

  “Or you’ll do what, big boy?” she threw down the gauntlet carelessly. Snapping her beer bottle down on the plastic tabletop, she stood to her feet so she felt like she was equal ground. “You want to help me and my kids? Then why don’t you convince their lazy-ass daddy to pay his child support? It’s his responsibility to support them, not yours!” She knew she was crossing a line with Sam, because he had made it very clear to both her and Chad that he would not choose sides or be pulled into the middle of their issues.

  “That’s not fair, Billie Jean,” he growled in answer. He only called her by her name when he was angry, but Billie didn’t care. She was angry, too. “I don’t let him talk about you, so I can’t let you get away with it, either. I’m not his daddy and I can’t control what he does or does not do, even for you. I can only control what I do and what I want to do is help my friend any way that I can.”

  Billie tried not to resent him for his stance and continued loyalty to Chad, but it was difficult. Still, she felt her resistance crumble in the face of his heated stare. Her fingers twitched in longing to smooth away his frown lines, but she held back. “It’s not that I don’t appreciate it, Sam, because I really do. But you have to respect my boundaries and back off. If you want to help me and the kids, then just continue to be her
e for us. You want to rake my yard or clean my gutters? That’s fine. You want to take the kids out to a movie so I can get some errands done? That’s awesome. But I can’t keep accepting your money, Sam. I just can’t. Can you try to understand that?” she pleaded with him.

  Surging to his feet, Sam ran his hands through his hair with impatience. “I’m sorry, but I really don’t understand it. You want to know why? Because if you started dating someone seriously tomorrow, you would not only accept help from him, you would expect it. How is that right, Billie Jean? I’ve known you for almost fifteen years and been your friend for longer than Derrick’s been alive, but yet my money isn’t welcome? That’s bullshit.”

  “It’s not bullshit!” Billie countered, losing her temper. “Ask anyone around and they will tell you that it isn’t right! Connie, Shanay, Jessica, and Irene are my friends, but they don’t fill my gas tank or offer to pay my electric bill. You’re treating me like your kid sister who’s too big of a screw-up to take care of herself. You are not my brother, you’re not my daddy, and you’re not my boyfriend!” she exclaimed, poking him in the chest for emphasis.

  He grabbed her hand, tugged her into his chest, and snaked his arm around her back until her body was flush with his. His breathing was harsh and his nostrils were flared in anger. His voice was hoarse with emotion as he hissed, “That’s right, B.J., I’m not your boyfriend. Because if I were your boyfriend, I would get to do this.”

  His mouth crushed hers in a kiss full of heat and frustration meant to punish and dominate. But he didn’t count on Billie’s answering passion or the feel of her hands traveling up his chest to wrap around his neck. He didn’t anticipate that she would kiss him back with equal fervor, rising up on her tip toes to press more of her curves against him or that she would taste better than he had ever dreamed. He didn’t count on his control slipping this badly to the point that he was perilously close to forgetting his promises, his morals, and his friendships.

  With supreme effort, Sam pulled away from Billie and stared at her in shock. “I’m sorry, B.J.,” he whispered raggedly, “It won’t happen again. Goodbye, Billie Jean.” Before she could gather her wits or form a reply, he disappeared into the darkness.

  Billie stood on the porch alone for several minutes with her fingertips resting against her swollen lips as she tried to calm her racing pulse and stunned mind. On the one hand, she was deliriously happy that Sam had kissed her after all these years of longing for him. On the other hand, it wasn’t likely to happen again. She couldn’t shake the feeling that his last words to her were also his final ones.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  Sam Garrett sat behind the wheel of his black Dodge Ram pickup after he arrived in the driveway of his home in Elizabethtown and finally allowed himself the luxury of metaphorically kicking himself in the ass.

  “Goddammit! What was I thinking?!” he cursed himself soundly. If he could make a clone of himself right now, he would tell it to punch him in the face for being such a stupid ass.

  As he exited the truck and slammed the door behind him, he continued to furiously berate himself for losing control of the situation so easily. For years, he had kept his feelings for Billy Jean Hardesty a secret from everyone, especially from her and his best friend Chad. He had fallen in love with her all those years ago during their sophomore year of high school, but Chad had spoken up first and called “dibs.” Out of a long-standing agreement between them from their boyhood days of chasing little girls around the playground, once one of them set their sights on a woman, she was off-limits to the other. That’s just what friends should do and Sam took those vows seriously.

  He had thought that his feelings for the kind-hearted and beautiful girl would eventually fade away or that he would find someone else to make him forget her, but that had never happened. He had dated countless women, several of them for months at a time, but none of them came close to measuring up to her. It’s not that he thought B.J. was perfect, far from it. He knew from first-hand experience that she was stubborn, prideful, too compassionate at times, and suffered from major self-esteem issues, but all that was just part of who she was. He also knew that she was beautiful with long, thick hair that he would love to dig his fingers into and her body was still smoking hot after two kids. And now, thanks to his stupidity, he also knew that her lips were like silk and her mouth was warm, sweet, and talented.

  Shaking the memory of her kiss out of his head, he let himself into his brick ranch house. It was located at the end of a cul-de-sac in an old neighborhood, not far from the Catholic church downtown where he went to school as a kid. His father had tried to convince him to build his own house, especially since he worked in construction, but it just didn’t feel right to build a home when he didn’t have a family to consider. So, instead, he bought this old ranch house and worked on it until it was renovated with modern amenities. It suited his bachelor lifestyle just fine.

  Grabbing a cold beer from the fridge, Sam made his way into the living room and collapsed on the soft, red microfiber couch that B.J. had helped him pick out when he first moved in here five years ago. He couldn’t hold back the half-smile that appeared on his face as he thought back to the day they had gone furniture shopping together. She had been so achingly lovely with her hair pulled back into a high ponytail, her face shining with excitement, and her belly softly distended with her pregnancy. Sam had known that Chad was out hooking up with another woman that day, so he hadn’t felt guilty for getting Billie out of the house with such a flimsy excuse as needing her help decorating his home.

  God, even with her body beginning to swell with a baby, or maybe even because of it, he had still desired her. He couldn’t understand why Chad would complain about her changing body and how it turned him off when it was all he could do to be around her without a constant hard-on. Even now, he had to readjust himself for comfort because his scumbag brain wouldn’t quit replaying that kiss over and over in graphic detail.

  Groaning in misery, Sam buried his head in his hands. He had ruined everything with that kiss tonight. There’s no way he could ever trust himself around her again, not now that he knew what she tasted like or how good it felt with her breasts and thighs molded against him. He had taken something precious, their friendship, and thrown it away in the heat of the moment. Even with the memory of her passionate response, he knew he couldn’t take the chance on it happening again. He knew he had been playing with fire by continuing his friendship with her after the divorce, but he hadn’t been able to help himself. He was the enamored moth to her open flame. It only made sense that he would eventually get burned.

  He finally remembered the beer and twisted the cap off and took a long pull. Clenching his jaw, he rested the cool glass against his forehead and faced the hard truth: he could no longer be friends with Billie Jean. It was too hard on him to continue to love her in silence and to watch her eventually meet and marry someone else. He knew it wasn’t fair to her to suddenly change the rules, but there was no other way around it. As long as she was in his life, no other woman would stand a chance. As long as he was in her life, she would always wonder how he really felt about her.

  At least he could still see the kids during Chad’s weekends. He had adored them from the moment they were born and had taken an active role in their lives from the beginning. Derrick was so smart that it was scary and his slender, lanky frame housed an old soul. He was a far cry from the son that Chad had anticipated: he had expected a rambunctious sports nut like himself who would eventually play football and basketball. However, Derrick’s acute asthma had shot those dreams down before they even got started, and he showed no interest in organized sports unless it involved Quidditch. Sam was so proud of that kid and couldn’t wait to see where his intelligence would take him in life.

  Then, there was Lola. Sam knew he shouldn’t feel this way, but he thought of her as his child. By the time Billie had discovered her accidental pregnancy, her marriage was already dangerously on the rocks. Chad, angr
y and bitter at the assumption that Billie had done it on purpose, had found every excuse to be absent from the house by telling his wife that he had to work when he was really seeing other women. So, Sam had gladly stepped into the breach. He had helped her around the house, taken her to doctor’s appointments, and he even got to be there for the ultrasound when she found out it was a girl. The first time he held Lola in his arms, he felt his heart squeeze so hard that it hurt. He fell in love with those tiny gold curls and those big blue eyes and he found every excuse under the sun to stop by and see her. Unfortunately, Chad had allowed his anger at Billie to color his feelings for Lola for the first two years; but, he eventually warmed up after the divorce and did the best he could by her. But Sam absolutely adored her, and the little minx knew it.

  It would be hard enough to stay away from B.J., but it would be downright impossible to never see the kids again. He hoped Chad was prepared to have him around a lot more, especially when it was his weekend with Derrick and Lola. He had to cut Billie out of his life and move on. He owed it to her, but more than anything, he owed it to himself.

  Kicking his shoes off, Sam finished off his beer and prepared to turn the TV on to see who was playing on Monday Night Football. Just as he settled in to watch the game and try to get his mind off Billie, his cell phone rang. He picked up the phone and rolled his eyes when he saw Renata’s name on the screen. He was not in the mood for her drama right now, but he knew she would just keep calling until he answered.

  Deciding to get it over with, he answered the call. “Hey, Renata. What’s new?” he asked unenthusiastically.

  The sound of sniffling and tears came through the phone, putting Sam on red-alert. “I’ll tell you what’s new, Sam Garrett!” she cried. “I’m pregnant.”